Fourth Quarter 2008 & into 2009

Fourth Quarter 2008 & First Quarter 2009

Happy New Year family and friends, I hope this email finds you all well.

Mood

It’s taken me a little while to write because I haven’t been feeling quite myself lately. It started a few months ago, October/November really, so I know it’s not “post holiday blues.” I wouldn’t say I’m depressed. I think I’d say it’s more of malaise mixed with a bit of ennui. Why? A few things I think. Some of which I’ll talk about.

In the recent past I have watched a few movies that have challenged me to think. Think about life in general and my life specifically. The two movies that spoke to me were “Milk” and “Revolutionary Road.” As a gay man I thought that “Milk” would speak to me for obvious reasons – it’s a story about a gay activist in the late 70s. And while that alone made the movie interesting to me what REALLY stood out to me was the fact that Harvey Milk did not start his life in politics or activism or having the impact he did on people until after he turned 40. I thought: “Wow, not until he was 40?! That’s amazing!” So, of course, having turned 40 almost 2 years ago I started thinking: “What is MY impact going to be? What do I need to start working on?” The questions/thoughts didn’t intimidate me or make me nervous...at first. In fact, it made me excited. It was like – ok, cool, awesome, great I get to do SOMETHING…tic, tock, tic, tock…tumble weed rolls by…ribbit, ribbit…but WHAT?! THAT’S when I started feeling bad. Trying to figure out the “what” part. Some people might say: “Why figure out the ‘what’, just ‘do.’” Others might say: “Who do you think you are? Oprah? Get over yourself.” But I just can’t help this nagging feeling that there is something I need to be doing that I’m not doing yet.

Speaking of movies, see Doubt and Frost/Nixon. If anyone went to a private, Catholic school Doubt will no doubt (ugh, me and puns) speak to you.

Acting an Dating

It’s the same old, same old. I worked on a project last month that I hope to have a copy of soon. Once I get it I’ll link it to my Facebook page. By the way, I have two other things I did linked to my page if you want to see them. Just look me up on Facebook by using my name: Don Pietranczyk or my email address: dfpietra@aol.com.

I’ve gone on two dates with someone a friend at the office set me up with. He’s a nice guy and I’ve enjoyed his company. I’ve asked for a third date.

I’m Such A Queer

(and not just for the obvious reason)

So I get these emails about twice a week from "Shop It To Me", a pretty good discount shopping email that allows you to choose the stores you want to see information from each time. For example, my emails consist of sale information from Banana Republic, Gap, Ralph Lauren, etc. Anyhoot, last week I saw something very on sale from the Ralph Lauren store (2 items, each under $20.00 folks, we're in a recession.) When I placed the order I noticed that they offer free gift boxing so I'm all - "Heck yeah, I'll take a nice, new free RL box. It will probably be all top of the line and I can use it again at some point." There was also an option to include a free message.

When I received the order I had to laugh. I forgot that I decided to send myself a little note. I opened the first box and saw the note and laughed to myself. It said:

"All my love. xoxo"

I opened the second box thinking I sent the same note twice. I didn't. The second one said:

"You're the best. xoxo"

I have to wonder about myself sometimes... But it did make me smile. I’ve put the notes up in my office and they continue to make me smile. The lesson: be good to yourself. Sometimes it's free. :)

Church

As some of you may know I’ve been feeling disenchanted with the Catholic Church since I saw “Vote Yes on Prop 8” (the anti-gay marriage act) signs posted outside the church I went to every week here in West Hollywood. Now, I know the church’s official stance on homosexuality – it hasn’t changed. And I also know that I’ve been gay for quite some time now. So, what’s the deal? Why am I so upset by the fact that they posted those signs in front of the church?

Since I couldn’t figure out an answer and I was feeling so bad about it I decided late September that my civil disobedience would be to NOT go to church until after the election in November. I thought that after not going for about a month I might feel differently. I didn’t. So I didn’t go all of November and December with exception of Christmas day. I was so hopeful on Christmas. I thought that I would feel something and things would be right again. Unfortunately I felt the exact opposite. Perhaps it was being away for a few months (btw, the first time I had been absent from weekly mass in my entire life) that provided me with a fresh ear to all that was being said. Or maybe it was that I was still too upset or insulted or hurt or whatever the emotion was that I just wasn’t buying anything the priest had to say. I also there thinking: “I wonder how many of the people here are actual THINKING Catholics? Like how many of them are actually THINKING about going to church versus just doing it because that’s what they’ve been doing all their lives?”

What I mean by “thinking Catholics” is a Catholic (or any other religion for that matter) who every now and again actually takes the time to think why they are what they are. Why am I Catholic? What makes me Catholic? What IS a “good” Catholic” Is there such a things as a “bad” Catholic? Why? Why not? For the first time in my life I found myself questioning religion. Not whether or not I wanted to be a part of religion but rather HOW to have a healthy relationship with and within religion. I feel that I’ve been a “thinking” Catholic since college. I’ve gone to church because I’ve wanted to, by my own choice. No one making me go or feel guilty about it. Btws, I was “done” with guilt by about … Junior High…yeah, that’s about right.

So as Lent approached I decided I wanted to talk about this with a priest. Why not go to as close to the source as possible, right? So I called St. Victors and finally got Monsignor Murphy. I told him my situation quite frankly: “I’m a gay Catholic and since St. Victor’s stance on Prop 8 I’ve found myself disenchanted with the Catholic Church. With Lent approaching I wanted to talk with someone from the church about this so I can try to reconcile my feelings.” The conversation was unfortunate. Monsignor Murphy seemed to be reading from a script; a very tired, old, middle of the road, non-committal, and non-inclusive script. As much as I tried it was no use. The conversation ended with me as frustrated, if not more, with the situation. I don’t know what I was expecting to hear but I knew I’d know it when I heard it. I didn’t hear it during this call.

Not giving up hope I decided to give one of the other two parishes in the general area a call to see what they had to say about it. I called Good Shepherd in Beverly Hills and left the same voicemail with Fr. O’Ryan as I did at St. Victor. Fr. O’Ryan called me back and left me a voicemail saying: “I think you need to speak to the Bishop. Here’s his name and number.” Fine. I called the Bishop and left him the same voicemail. And then I thought about Fr. O’Ryan’s voicemail. I thought that he thought that I was looking for a statement or wanting to pursue a political confrontation. So I called him back and left him another voicemail stating that I just wanted to talk about the church and how I’ve been feeling about it lately. He called me back – 3 times in the same day to try to get me live. We finally connected live on the phone and let me tell you what a difference a priest makes. Fr. O’Ryan was so wonderful. He was understanding, attentive, consoling, and most of all welcoming. He made me feel as though he really wanted me to be a part of his parish. And not only that, he made a point to say (in his elderly Irish brogue): “I don’t know if this is the right term but you should shop around. Not all churches are right for all people. Be sure to try St. Monica’s in Santa Monica. They have a line around their church for Sunday night mass. I’d say they must be doin somethin right there. It’s like the sign of a good restaurant, people linin up outside, waitin to git in.”

I felt so good after talking with him. So good. So I went to 5:30 mass at Good Shepherd last Sunday and it felt good. Not terribly earth shaking but NOT bad and THAT in and of itself is good. After mass I introduced myself to Fr. O’Ryan and told him we spoke and he said that he remembered and welcomed me. “I’m so glad you came” he said with a great big smile and a handshake, patting my shoulder with his other hand. I’ll be going back.

Oh yeah, I saw Mark Whalberg there, too. I guess it’s a kind of celebrity church to attend.

Nature or Nurture

Can the desire to watch 60 Minutes (and its contemporaries) be genetic? I ask this question because one memory growing up is that my father LOVED watching 60 Minutes. It was like clockwork (pun-ish intended) that every Sunday at the stroke of 6:00 pm he would be watching 60 Minutes. It didn’t matter if we were at a graduation party at someone’s house – he’d find a TV somewhere in the house and watch. Or just turn the TV on in the living room and expect either everyone to watch or he’d shuttle them out directly or indirectly.

So these days I’m obsessed with the likes of 48 Hours, Dateline and 20/20. Like I just can’t get enough of these real life stories. I’ve even found Dominique Dunne’s show. Even though they’re dated, they’re good.

Oh, add “news radio” to the genetic question. Father used to listen to WBBM (was that it? On the AM dial?) with their audio lead in, that if I said it out loud and you lived in Chicago you’d KNOW it, set the tone. Cut to me today ADDICTED to NPR. I love that station. With all the traffic we have in Southern California I need something to keep me from going stir crazy. Classical music works from time to time but why not turn on NPR and learn something, right? It’s so great. There are two shows in particular that I suggest you tune into: Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me (on Saturdays) and The Story (on nightly.) Good stuff.

The Reason

Why the question in the section preceding this one? Well my father’s health is not great these days. Not great at all. Therefore I have been thinking about him and our relationship and everything else in between hence the childhood memories. Since I normally go to Chicago in December and August each year I went home in late February to make sure that I was able to see him and visit with him before…well, before. I don’t think it’s morbid or in appropriate to talk about this subject. In fact, I think the more talk there is the better. Illness and death are two conversations that people have trouble talking about with friends and even family. While emotions may be a very big reason behind it I think there is a stigma attached to the subjects. And why? I don’t know. Illness, to some extent or another, is a part of life. Just like death is a part of life. It’s going to happen whether we like it or not so I think it’s best to be prepared for it. Sometimes we’re taken by surprise and that’s very, very difficult but I say if there’s an opportunity to talk about it or at least think about it with yourself, you should. You owe it to yourself and everyone else to be “as prepared” as possible. It’s like when I came out. When I told my mother she was all upset about it. I said: “Come on, you didn’t know? You had to.” She was all: “I thought maybe (maybe? bless her) but I didn’t know for sure and didn’t want to know so I didn’t think about it.” That’s unacceptable, just unacceptable to me. Not thinking about something because it’s hard? Well times are tough Tina, you have to think about it. Yes it’s hard, and yes it’s uncomfortable but I have to believe that doing a little “prep work” beforehand will help at least manage the situation a little better when it finally comes. But that’s just me. My way of thinking about this/working through it? I’m writing my father’s eulogy in my head.

So what am I saying? I guess I’m saying that my father isn’t well and I’ve started having the conversation with myself about the inevitable. I’m also saying this to all of you, my family and friends, that read this quarterly because it’s information that you might want to know. So that when the time comes and I have to write in one of my quarterlies about “the inevitable” you won’t email me back and say: “I didn’t even know your father was sick. Why didn’t you tell me?” Now you know.

Maybe Next Time

This update is a little heavier than usual and perhaps it’s fitting as I have found myself turning into FPTBF (Fatty Patty Two By Four). But I just thought of something: since that’s the case I must NOT be depressed. I mean, when I’m depressed I LOSE weight. So wait (pun?), does this mean I’m happy? Could a person be happy without knowing it? (Did that last sentence/question seem Carrie Bradshaw-ish? I didn’t mean it to be but I don’t mind it being so.)

Think about it. ALL of the IT(s) in this quarterly and feel free to share your opinions and feelings about them with me. I’ll talk to you, email you and/or Facebook you soon.