Have I Missed The Love Boat?

As a 42 year old gay man who has yet to be involved in a serious, long-term*, romantic relationship with another man I have asked myself that question for some time. (*I define long-term as over one year.) I wonder: is it possible to become involved in a long-term, romantic relationship at this point in my life or have I “settled into” a life/lifestyle that will be difficult – if perhaps impossible – to change in order for romance to take place? Have I missed the opportunity to love and be loved? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for finding a person to be in love with and spend the rest of my life but I have a fear. And that fear is this: will/can someone love a person who has yet be “in love” with someone or are all suitors frightened away by a person who’s been left on the sidelines in the game of love? Do I have the capacity to love someone else or am I just unable to do so?

On one hand I see myself as a person, an adult, who has done without the intimacy of a romantic relationship in my life and have gotten along so far. That’s not to say that I haven’t had sex; I mean, come on. This is the gay lifestyle we’re talking about. Which raises a point in favor of those who say: “Who needs a relationship anyway? You can get sex anytime you like (either involving someone else in the room or not) and you can get love from your family, friends, and pets. Romance just complicates things.” Having sex when it’s just “sex” IS easy and uncomplicated. Two people who are attracted to each other, both wanting the same thing, set out to accomplish the same goal – sexual satisfaction and gratification. And sometimes it’s not even mutual sexual satisfaction. It’s kinda an all for one and every man for himself kinda thing. But remember that this unwritten rule in the gay culture that I’ve come to learn (and adopt) over the years works but only when both parties enter into an experience knowing it. But as those of us know who have had sexual encounters with absence of intimacy it’s only good while it’s happening. Once it’s over and you both fumble for your clothes as quickly as possible (without looking harried) and walk out the door you call your best girlfriend/”Grace” and make plans for the rest of the weekend. Right?

No, that’s not the way I want to spend the rest of my “good years,” it’s just too empty. I’m interested in creating an intimate and sexual relationship with someone who is around my age who has enough similar interests to attract me and enough of his own thing going on to sustain my curiosity. But most guys my age I’ve found to be one of the following:

· Are in a long term relationship,

· Are in an OPEN long-term relationship and looking for a 3^rd or 4^th party to join,

· Have had several long-term relationships and are bitter,

· Have had no long-term relationships and are bitter,

· Are just bitter,

· Have just come out,

· Have not come out at all, or

· Think long-term, romantic relationships can be had or rather maintained over the Internet.

All of the above are pretty much no brainers as to why a relationship wouldn’t work out, yeah? I think part of my problem is that I have had it all planned out in my head as to how I would meet my Mr. Right. I would meet the man of my dreams at a very sophisticated cocktail party as we were both going for something from the buffet. The conversation would start out with him saying something like: “I saw you across the room and hoped I’d get a chance to talk to you.” Or something else straight from the Book of Corn. A true, hopeless romantic I guess. It won’t ever happen…or will it? Whenever I start to feeling like this I think of the time I did fall in love with a man and our meeting was just about as random as reaching for a glass of punch at the same time. Dare I tell you about it?

It was a sunny August Sunday afternoon in the summer of 1999. One of those days in Chicago when you know that it just doesn’t get any better than this. The city is still in the midst of summer sun and fun and the fear and dread of fall/winter is still too far off in the distance to hang over anyone’s head. As it usually went on summer Sunday afternoons I decided to take a blade on beautiful Lake Michigan. Living in Boystown I always bladed south to Navy Pier and then back up again for a pretty good workout. Besides being just an ordinary beautiful Midwest summer afternoon it was also the afternoon of the Air and Water Show. Knowing that the south end of the lake would be too crowded on my normal route I decided to go north instead of south. That decision would prove to change my life.

I was blading with my shirt off and I remember thinking “Ok, I have no right having this shirt off amid all these boys with real bodies. But I don’t really care. I feel great, I’m in a great mood, it’s a great day, and I have Cher on my headphones. What could be better?” So, during my blade I spot a runner in the distance coming towards me. He was shirtless so, like a gay version of a beacon in the night, my eyes became fixated until I could make out his face. And what a face! We both smiled at each other and I continued to roll on by. I thought he was cute but that was all I thought at that moment. I didn’t really think much more of it, I was too involved with Cher. In any event, I made it up to Hollywood Beach and then turned around. On my way back I begin to see the aforementioned runner in front of me, still making his way towards Boystown. I thought: Should I say something? Should I not? If so, what should it be? As I approached him from behind I decided to say something. Unfortunately my opening line was yet another mindless excerpt from the Book of Corn but fortunately his response of “I was hoping you’d come back” wasn’t. I melted inside while keeping my composure on the outside. We continued down the path towards the city skyline and began what was to be one of the most important romantic relationships I would ever know.

Looking back I fell in love at that very moment. And, looking back, I see that as a then 32 year old man who had never been involved in a long-term, romantic relationship with another man I was ready, willing and able to do so right then and there. Over the months that I followed I found myself making decisions about what to do or where to eat based on what would be most fair versus just doing what HE liked or going where I liked. I was having the kind of relationship I’d dreamed of with the kind of feelings I wondered if I’d ever have. They were quite natural and not manufactured. I think that was one of the most rewarding parts of all. To know that I could be genuinely in love and have it feel like the most natural thing in the world. Everything was great…until the inevitable. The break up was amicable but heartbreaking nevertheless. We still talk today and are friends. I’m sure we always will be friends because I did love him and continue to do so on certain levels. By having that experience I have come to realize that I am capable of loving and being loved. And even though I haven’t had those feelings in quite a while I know that I can and will again some day. They’re deep inside me and therefore, I would suppose, deep inside all of us. We just have to be patient and above all courageous to experience all that life offers us.

So to answer my own question as to whether or not I’ve missed the (love) boat and/or the opportunity to love, I’d say no. I’m just waiting on the dock enjoying the view and once the right ship comes in, I’ll know it and board it…again.